Why Dating Sucks Today

In the book "Dating Without Fear," Thomas Smithyman describes two different realities that one can exist within: the World of Threat and the Warm Social World. He argues that when you have social anxiety, you live in the World of Threat, where any little mistake can lead to rejection, ridicule, and social isolation. You become hypersensitive to rejection, which leads to anxiety and social isolation. By contrast, in the Warm Social World, people are perceived as warm and as potential friends.

The book is very good from a self-help point of view, but it also inspires further thought on the nature of social realities. Thomas talks a lot about one individual's subjective experiences of their social reality. However, society as a whole is the collection of all individuals and, as such, these social realities exist not just in one individual's mind but also permeate society as a whole. That has significant implications for both individuals and society.

The book is a self-help book, so it is only natural that it focuses on the individual and how the individual can move from one social reality to another. The reality that we experience within the social context is a little bit more complicated. Not only do we ourselves, as individuals, exist within our own social reality, but every individual around us also exists in their social realities. That means that they will interact with us from the point of view of their social reality. This means that other people have an influence on our perceptions of the world, pulling us towards one social reality or another. If you have a lot of experiences that pull you toward the World of Threat, you are more likely to end up there. If you have more experiences that pull you into the Warm Social World, then that's where you are likely to end up. This means that if there are a lot of people around you in the World of Threat, you are far more likely to experience the World of Threat. We have some control over where we end up once we gain awareness, but I would argue that external influences tend to overwhelmingly push us toward the World of Threat.

Why are we pushed towards the World of Threat? Because the World of Threat is not only about dating. The World of Threat is a direct result of the way our society works today. Near the end of the book, Thomas writes about how in the World of Threat people have a competitive mindset where resources are scarce and rivals are plenty. There can only be one winner in that worldview. That is the dominant worldview that governs our world today. Not just dating, but everything. We are constantly told that everyone is selfish and that we must fight against one another for resources, including love. It is no wonder that so many of us end up in the World of Threat. We are completely surrounded by it because it is an intrinsic part of our entire culture.

There was a time when dating was a lot more cooperative and pleasant. People met people in person through friends. Sometimes friends even helped out and matched them. These days are long gone. Since the emergence of dating apps, dating has become increasingly individualist and competitive. This means that everyone is alone fending for themselves and fighting for a chance. It's no wonder there is so much dating anxiety today. Dating has become as vicious and inhumane as the economy.

The problem is not just some powerful people who push this worldview onto us. They certainly bear significant responsibility. However, many people, if not most, buy into that story. Most people these days describe dating as a market and see people as prizes to be fought for, even through manipulation. They also believe that there is a hierarchy of social value. Certain kinds of people are seen as valuable while others are seen as worthless. When enough people buy into this thinking, it shuts off the Warm Social World from some groups of people, who are not considered worthy of it. Think, for example, in a non-dating context, about Jewish people in Nazi Germany. Sure, some people were sympathetic and tried to help them, but Jews were largely pushed into the World of Threat and denied access to the Warm Social World.

The competition for attention and love also gets exacerbated by monogamy. Monogamy is based on an insecure scarcity mindset that if your partner has other partners you might lose them and end up alone. For that reason, there is widespread agreement that everyone can only have one partner. That means that every time someone gets a partner, the supply of available partners decreases. This means that it becomes harder to find someone and the competition becomes more severe. The result is that everyone is focused on how valuable everyone else is, and if you are perceived to be of lower value, you are completely screwed.

All of this means that we all live in certain social realities which are constantly in competition against one another. The World of Threat is prevalent these days. That's why there is so much loneliness, anxiety, and depression in the world today. It's not just that each individual is living in that world - we are all living in that world together. We are co-creating that world. This means that this is not just an individual problem, it's a collective action problem. We need to reject this predominant narrative that we are all selfish, that some of us are more valuable than others, and that we should all be competing for everything - including love. We need to get back to the time when we met in person and helped each other find love. That's how we can expand the Warm Social World and escape from the World of Threat.